For a long time now, I’ve felt deeply separated from people. I’ve felt a massive disconnect, and I’m at the point in my life where I honestly have just grown out of many old friendships naturally and gradually, and instead I’ve been spending more time alone just trying to develop myself all while figuring my shit out.
Many times I get really hard on myself about this. I think to my past self, and different versions of me throughout the years, and how at this point I’m my life, I’m the most shelled in and introverted version of myself that has ever came out… or maybe I should say stayed in.
Regardless of that, let me just say, the loneliness is quite freeing. I spent most of my teen years surrounded by people quite literally all the time, who I was constantly living to please. I’m not going to lie, in the past I think one of my greatest weeknesses was the fact that I was subconsciously and unhealthily prone to giving off this unauthentic filtered version of myself, who’s personality was dictated and specially formed to match the energy of whoever I was with.
It’s kind of like that moment when you’ve spent so much time with someone, and your personalities begin to mesh. Only I’m beginning to realize that unless you’re surrounding yourself with the right people, the type of people who have parts of themselves that you recognize as human and authentic and genuine—when you look up to them as role models for the person you want to become—it’s almost impossible for a relationship to be fulfilling. When you surround yourself with friends who are toxic, you can’t ever truly grow together in a positive light. These relationships will just be an aspect of your life where you are feeding off of this toxic energy and together you can become some of the worst versions of yourselves if you aren’t careful.
There’s been times during the chaos of last year where I was scared to break away from toxic relationships that I was so heavily reliant on because I was scared of being alone. But when I was able to free myself and end some unhealthy relationships, yes I lost a lot of friends, and yes I am still currently in a state of being relatively lonely, but the people I have around me are people who inspire and push me to be happy and authentically myself.
We forget how important the act of being able to form your own life and routine outside of anyone else’s opinion and input truly is. This way of living is enough in and of itself to lead you to a new found feeling of independence and self worth. When you begin to do more for you, when you work on yourself, your forms of expression, your spirituality whatever it is you choose really, when you spend more time present with yourself in these moments, those are truly some of the most cherished raw experiences that I think you can find in life.
One of the greatest lessons that I’ve personally learned from quarantine and the past year plus of COVID intruding and altering so many different aspects of our lives, is how importantj it really is to love yourself and be aware of your own potential. I feel like this time of personal isolation has been such a critical time for me to begin to realign my true intentions and goals for the future and learn how to live for myself and my dreams. It’s been a battle to learn how to do this, and even at this point, I’m no where close to mastering the skill of effortlessly loving and accepting myself day in and day out.
I haven’t made a blog entry for a long time, but I did think this was something important to discuss, because I think a lot of us are deep down really lonely right now. But that’s okay. I’m here because at times I need to remind myself that it’s okay to be lonely, and a lot of that feeling of loneliness will dissipate when you learn to love the life you live in solitude.
I was also inspired to make an entry on this because of a recent podcast episode that Emma Chamberlain released. She has these amazing “Advice Session” episodes where she answers questions for her followers and this particular follower sent in a message where they asked, “how can I get away from friends that I feel like don’t like me anymore, because if I drop them I’ll be alone?”
Let me just say that the way Emma explains the importance of loving being alone and understanding your self worth by not taking shit from toxic relationships was such a wise and refreshing perspective that I really think a lot of people need to hear right now. So I made sure to save that question and answer and if you’d like to dive deeper into her thoughts on this subject you should definitely give it a listen.
Here’s the episode clip to check out.
Anyways, as important as it is to love being alone, it is equally important to still put yourself out there and learn from these moments of solitude with yourself to discover what you deserve and all that you should receive. Just because you’re lonely now doesn’t mean this period will last forever.
As for anyone who needs it or just wants to chat, feel free to send me a message if you feel like discussing anything, I’m always here with open ears. I hope if you’re in a similar place that this in a way reminded you that being alone is normal and okay and an essential time to self improve and grow as an individual.
First stop Einstein’s to grab some chai teas and bagels!
Today marked the first time I ever went to the Goodwill bins, I’ve been marking this down on my todo list for months and honestly I can say it didn’t disappoint.
Besides the mechanical like flow in the facility, I found the whole atmosphere of the area absolutely exhilarating. It was like there was a Christmas buzz in the air.
Walking in was almost like a culture shock. The building was set up with around 10 metric sized bins, on the left primarily the bins were filled with no knacks, from broken glass to antique Polaroid cameras to doll houses. I was honestly shocked.
Although there was mostly just a bunch of shitty throw away objects, as you dug deeper, searching and scavenging through the many different attires of clothing, there were some gems to be found.
Inside the factory like environment you walk in and get an overwhelming feeling of this mechanical like energy. I looked around to see everyone quite literally mesmerized in the process of searching through the bins. Once you begin to search there’s this energy within that just gets you fully emerged into the process. It was quite uncomfortable to see the ravenous like energy as a new bin emerged from the back.
Without a single word spoken, it was as if there was an unspoken code of how to access the bins. Each section held about 8 bins in a single isle, but when a section was being made, a group would immediately swarm around, but a a distance, waiting patiently for the section to be filled. The building did have a strict number of people who could be in the building at each time, and by saying this I don’t mean to say that it was overcrowded.
Once the bins were in their place, the crowds went wild, rummaging through the bins. There’s a whole flow to it that must be learned through experience.
Because of the mega haul of thrifted clothing and the combination of our own personal thrifting collections, Reyna had a photoshoot due for one of her classes so a little later in the week, I decided to help her out by modeling. I included a few photos she took below.
Sorry if the images are a bit low resolution, she has better copies, but this was the best I could do for the time being to be able to make this post.
If I were to reflect over my past week, I’d say it’s been one of the best weeks I’ve had in a long time! I got to celebrate Hanukkah with some family friends, I did that photoshoot mentioned above with one of my childhood friends Reyna, one of my TikTok posts that I made with my sister blew up, and most of all I feel like I’ve been getting back on my grind in regards to my freelance writing and bettering my own personal mental health.
Just to go into more detail in regards to my Hanukkah festivities over the last week, the first night of Hanukkah was on Friday, so some family friends came down from Philadelphia to share a delicious meal filled with homemade challah bread, latkes, matzo ball soup (although that’s for Passover, I was really craving it so I had my dad make it for the feast), brisket and some turkey. For dessert we had baklava and some noodle kugel.
We’ve been getting closer with this family because their middle child Shelby, just this last year, moved to Denver to pursue her career, and get a bit of a change in scenery. I’m honestly so grateful for the whole rest of the family for making the 24 hour road trip all the way down here to spend time in Colorado and celebrate this incredible holiday with my family.
Here’s the TikTok video I posted with my sister, yes I know it’s confusing, yes I will include a post explaining the entire situation within a week or so. I’m hoping that by the time I post this video, the post will hit 100k likes… a girl can dream can’t she.
All of these events are completely out out order, but last but not least, my best friend Sadie decided to get a hotel room with a couple of our close friends for the night, we went out and spent the night at a village inn , just so we could be a little rowdy and have a girls night with Taylor and Yessi.
Here’s a cute little photo of us doing that headphone challenge in the hotel room.
Here’s a mini photo/video dump of my trip to Utah with Reyna and Emily. Take the time to enjoy!
Day one, on the road!!Family PhotoPetroglyphs part 1Petroglyphs part 2Canyonlands, UtahI have a Foopa ft. Chaco’sVideo courtesy of Emily in Glenwood Hot SpringsJourney to a secret jumping spotSleepy boys on the road home
This right here is going to be vulnerability, and by that I mean I’m leaving everything— and I mean almost everything on the table.
I’ve been struggling with my eating disorder for a few years. I can stem the first occurrence of me utilizing my eating as a means for control to my Junior year of high school after I started to get extremely depressed and quit my passion of cross country to begin working and going to school full time, to finish up high school and start the process of saving up for a car.
Because I wasn’t participating in any sports, I began to notice changes in my body, but I didn’t have enough time to physically take care of myself, so instead I resorted to limiting my diet and going about my day to day life. I had limited energy, but deep down some part of me was fulfilled because I’m a way suppressing my diet equivocated to taking care of my image and physically satisfying my needs of staying slim and not gaining weight.
When I was at my healthiest running cross country and track I was around 120 pounds, muscular, fueling my body with a specialized diet engineered to aid my performance and help me succeed.
By the time of the end of my senior year I lost 20 pounds, was rarely exercising, had lost a lot of my day to day energy, but overall was content with my body image, so I didn’t see a problem with any of my actions. I just assumed that because I wasn’t running competitively anymore this was my normal base weight, and that the weight that I had lost was primarily just from muscle loss and nothing more.
At the end of the summer going into my freshman year of college, my family and I went on a road trip through Oregon. I had spend the last of my months of my senior year planning the road trip route that we’d be taking over a course of a week. If you know anything about me, you’d know that at some point in my life it’s a dream of mine to live in Oregon, at least of a year or two. Growing up in Colorado, there is this innate attachment to the mountains, that I personally have grown unable to live without.
My future home just wouldn’t feel whole without the mountains cascading the horizon. I’ve gone on road trips through the great planes passing through states like Kansas, Arizona, New Mexico and Wyoming, and although there are special features about each of these states, the mountains are missing, and any time I’ve passed through these areas, looking out to watch the sunset or to take a minute just to look around and ground myself feels empty and oblique a way.
It’s kinda stupid, but it’s a feature I need, and one thing about Oregon that intices me are the many different climates and geological features that the state provides. I mean you’ve got mountains galore, the entire northern portion of the state is lush and green, and then there’s the ocean, although I’m not much of a beach girl, I’d love to live by the ocean at some point in my life, especially in Oregon.
That’s more then enough on that Oregon tangent, I could keep going on and on and on, but that’s not my point. My point is that I put a lot into this vacation, and this time was a really exciting time for my family to take some time together for a fun, action packed adventure filled with caves, and the redwoods, and cobble beach, and volcanoes, and excellent seafood.
But given all that at this point my eating disorder was the worst it had ever been. I had gotten to this point where I’d isolated my diet so much to a point where I was living off a single small meal a day that I’d treat myself with after continuing my “fasting” diet.
So by the time that the vacation came around I had set my eating habits, and I stuck to those said eating habits. I enjoyed the whole trip it was an absolute blast, the were so many positive memories that I’ll never forget, but at the same time, this trip wasn’t easy, and there were a lot of things I was hiding from my friends and family around that time in accordance to my eating disorder and the severity of where I was at. Any time meals were provided I’d eat a bite or two and then bring the rest to the hotel to eat later. I’d lie about the leftovers I’d eat and would throw the food I set for later in the trash. By the last day of the trip, we’d traveled the whole length of Oregon down through California and up through Washington. We hiked a large amount each day, given our agenda for the trip was extremely rigorous and we had a lot to see.
So the last day swings by, and were all exhausted. We spent every single day immersed in Oregon culture. And by this point, the entire week I barely ate a thing.
In the morning I woke up to go to the bathroom, but when I got to the door, I began blacking out, collapsed to the ground, and had a seizure with my sister in the room, confused and terrified, unknowing how to handle the situation.
I ended up blacking out. By the time I came to, was confused and clammy. Luckily I didn’t hit anything on the way down, but my sister was still shocked from the incident and still to this day she brings it up and I can tell it’s stuck with her I’m a way she’ll never forget.
That has happened one other time after that, and after going through those two experiences I was— might you say— scared strait. Not saying that my diet is perfect, it’s no where close, but I am in the process of reversing old eating habits.
I’ve had a really hard time with eating. Still to this day I get sick from eating the right amount of food to help me gain or maintain my current weight. I find myself feeling sick after being unable to finish meals. I have an external fight with myself every time I feel this sickness of feeling full. It’s like I’ve trained myself to feel guilty with the sensation of feeling full, and trained my brain to get satisfaction from the feeling of hunger.
That’s the best way I can describe it. It’s been an ongoing difficult to break cycle and I guess the only way to fix it at this point is to reset my brain to start enjoying food again.
And that’s such a stupid thing for me to say. I love food. I grew up eating meals from a classic Italian raised father, so I grew up around good food, just to make that clear, not particularly that it’s needed. I do love food, my body just seems to want to constantly reject it.
By the end of my first semester of freshman year I was beginning to do a lot better. I was successful in my college classes and working part time on top of full time studying. I was making new friends on campus, going to events and although I wasn’t sure what my direction with school would be, I was sticking to an environmental engineering program where I could peruse my dreams of one day going into a sustainability field where I could centralize on producing sustainable energy sources on a large scale platform.
This is still something I’m beyond interested in going into I’m not going to lie, but for the time being I’m taking a bit of a break from school.
My second semester of college went downhill pretty rapidly. The statewide mandate for staying at home was put into place during the middle of my second semester of my freshman year. I wasn’t ready for the change, and I fell into a deep depression, began failing all my classes which before the lockdown I was doing pretty well in and enjoying. When everything went online, I lost all motivation. And even though I was stuck at home with nothing to do, online school was the last on my list.
So I dropped out of the classes I had, and currently I’m taking a break for the time being. I might go back to school this upcoming spring semester, depending on what I decide I’m the next few weeks, but honestly I’m scared to start up classes again.
I’m scared I’ll fail.
The summer proceeding those classes, I fell into a deeper depression, but started a job at Amazon working overnights four days a week full time. I loved it. I was back on a schedule, and would get off and watch the sunrise then fall asleep and start the whole process all over again.
I’d spend the weekends readapting my sleeping schedule to partying with friends.
And that was my life for a few months, I was exhausted, working my ass off taking on any given overtime and about to get promoted. I began saving up money and was starting to think about a plan for moving out and possibly out of the country to live in Alberta, Canada and transferring to a warehouse out I’m that area.
It was a dream, unrealistic, but it was something to keep me going. It was an end goal for all my hard work to pay off and transfer to some form of personal independence.
Then I crashed my car. I’m going to keep the details out of this post, just because I don’t feel like this is the time or place to go into everything that went into the crash.
All the sudden. I lost everything. The car I spent two years slaving away to buy. The first form of independence that I was proud of, poof gone.
I spent a month after that accident primarily alone, even when I was around people, I felt alone.
I was depressed, and continued to have numerous panic attacks each week. I was unmotivated and in many ways hated myself, and the person I had become. I hated who I was, and I hated the idea of starting from square one.
The only thing that got me back on track was the loving support of all my friends, starting to see a therapist, and forcing myself into a new routine.
So now we’re here. It’s a constant struggle, but I’m happy to be alive, and if starting over means developing myself and centralizing my life around my dreams and my goals, and my ideal future, then I’m happy I got a wake up call.
I’m thankful this happened to me. It’s a harsh reality, but in many ways I feel like it was a wake up call. I feel like I experienced what I did for a reason. And I’m here maybe not for a reason or designated purpose, but I’m here to live for me. I’m here to persue my dreams; finish my poetry book, create a podcast, explore colorado and the country and the world, and to document everything so even if I forget, it will always be written down for me to reflect over.
So that’s what’s helping me move forward. I’ve spent so much of my life uncertain about what I want to do. Problem is I just need to start living for me, and living in the moment, and loving every single second of it. The good, the bad, my fuck ups, my successes.
I can’t continue to live in avoidance.
I can’t continue to live other people’s lives.
I need to stop people pleasing and living to put up this image to the world that I’m someone I’m not. I feel like no one really knows me because I hide or disassociate from so many parts of myself that I feel like people won’t relate to.
That’s one of the primary reasons why I made this blog. Sometimes it’s easier just to write everything down on paper (or I guess type everything down onto a blog), and to be brutally honest. To give an insight to anyone willing to read about who I really am and what I’ve gone through.
So thank you for reading if you got this far. I’m sending so much love your way. I’m here to listen if you need it, make sure to check on your loved ones this week, make sure to remind them of your love. Good luck in your own personal battles, and keep fighting ❤
Mount Saint Helens, WashingtonCrater Lake, OregonCobble Beach, OregonRedwoods National Forest, California Random beach in Samuel H. Boardman National Park, Oregon
This year— to say the least— has been an absolute whirlwind. It’s turned my life and the lives of all my loved ones absolutely upside down. So here’s my first blog post. I’m creating this website mostly for myself, but also for other people who are going through some of the same experiences as me to be a voice in the long ass abyss of bloggers for others like me to read through and remember they’re not alone.
Everything this year, from the pandemic, to the political uproar of an election year, to the dwindling mental health of young adults, has opened my eyes up to the importance of connection during an era of separation and isolation. For many, including myself, change is scary, and adapting to change can be extremely difficult, especially when the world you live in completely flips upside down. But it’s what makes us human. And if that means connecting over a blog, I’m going to take that opportunity to personally grow on a public platform, and see who’s willing to listen.
Recently, I’ve been reflecting over all my past interests and how far away I’ve floated from all the things I love to do. I’d like to use this blog as a documentation of my life, my creations, my failures, my happy days, my fulfilling days. I need to start over. I need to start holding myself accountable for the life I’m living, and do better. For myself and my friends and family and my future me.
I want to get back into pottery, into running, into photography and documenting my adventures with my loved ones. I want to begin a side hustle with freelance writing, and use this platform to document my experience starting from the beginning, to explain what worked for me, and what didn’t. I need to get more into self care, given I’ve fallen so far out of a routine that it’s honestly just embarrassing. But most importantly, I want to get back into writing. And that means daily well thought out and well executed excerpts on a range from any of the freelance writing opportunities I have become a part of, to sharing my poetry, to completing more excerpts on my book, to research pieces, even to a point of writing about my favorite podcast episodes or musical artists or books.
I just need to start somewhere. And this is it. I’ll begin here and this blog will grow day by day filled with the things I love and the story that has made me, well me.
On the other hand, yes, there are a few things of my past that I’d love to get back into as well as some future dreams I’d love to peruse. I want to write a book, start a podcast and establish an online company to my name.
I want to create something that is so authentically me that I can look back on and be proud of. Or at least utilize as a form of establishing my identity. I don’t know who I am. I’ve spent a lot of my life people pleasing, and living the lives of the people around me. I don’t really know who I am, but I do know who I want to become. For the first time in a long time I’m inspired to share my life, even if the only person who will be looking back on these entries will be me.
This is something that I need to do for myself. And I hope with all my heart that maybe it could help a few other kind loving souls who really need it.
Anyways, that’s the jumbled ramble of what to expect from this blog. It’s gunna be messy. It’s gunna be raw. But I swear it will be me, the authentic me. Because if anything, now as of ever, we need authenticity. We need the truth. So here’s mine.
Starting Over 